Have you ever had one of those days where you just KNOW God is trying to teach you something? I'm having one of those. Or maybe a week. Or maybe a well, nevermind.
Anyway, I feel like since we got to Pennsylvania I've been praying over what the lesson is that God wants me to learn up here. I've written in my journal countless times that I want to learn it quickly so I can go about my merry way and head on back to Arkansas. But over the last week I've been faced with some somewhat annoying revelations...
Uno. God has to put me in timeout sometimes.
It's true. I feel like sometimes he almost quarantines me from others so that I finally get to a corner and sheepishly say, "Oh, are You trying to tell me something? Did you want to put some input up in here?" He's done this at least two other times in my life ... He keeps knocking and knocking on my door and finally gives me an attention getter that I can't ignore. I don't want to be like that. But fast forward and here I am in Sayre, Pennsylvania (practically distraction free). So clearly, I wasn't listening ... or at least responding. What's amazing is how when I finally get in that quiet spot ... He starts showing me things. One of my favorite lines from Addison Road's song "What Do I Know of Holy" talks about trying to hear from heaven, but then talking the whole time. Oops.
Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and incomprehensible things you do not know.
-Jeremiah 33:3 (HCSB)
Is that all we have to do? Call to Him and He'll start speaking His will over our life? He promises us that He has a purpose and a Plan for us (Jer. 29:11) But if we don't know the plan, how do we know if we're on track?
Recently I was journaling and I told Him that I feel like He's trying to put some blinders on me but that I keep telling Him they don't match my outfit. Because I kinda like the distractions, they're fun and they make me happy. I think. Anybody ... anybody??
Dos. Being kind of cast out of my every day life, and having my somewhat big world turned into an itty bitty one has made me realize how actually small my world was before. That perhaps some of the things that were/are important to me are a little bit narcissistic. It really doesn't matter what my kids have on. Or what I have on. Or if I wore it to bible study last week. What I want to matter is eternal purpose. What I want to hear is "Well done, good and faithful servant." I want to have fought the good fight WELL. Which if I'm searching for matching smocked outfits for Thanksgiving in April is probably not holding eternal value. Just a thought. (disclosure: this is totally me, and I'm totally working through this as I'm going through it, so no judgement for those cute mamas (aka BFFs) that love some cute kid clothes. I'm so with you. Duh)
I've started filling my day with purpose and it's changing me. I've been studying God's word in the morning and pouring out all the good, bad and ugly to Him. During my Arbonne days I remember people having breakouts sometimes when they first got on the skincare. I tried to encourage them to press forward because it was a detox and it was going to bring all the impurities to the surface before it could start cell turnover and renewal, etc. That's kind of where I am. God's bringing some yucky stuff to the surface. Some of the me, me, me stuff. And it's not pretty.
I've also spent my days listening to the audio mp3s for the Five Aspects of Womanhood study by Barbara Mouser. I put it on my headphones and listen to it while I'm cleaning the house or hiding from my kids. She is reading a textbook and it's kind of monotone, but if you get through that there is some major meat in those lessons. I listened to the last one yesterday and I'm going to restart them Monday. I could listen to one a day forever and always learn something new.
Lastly, I've been immersing myself in Christian literature. If I'm not cooking or cleaning, I'm reading one of four books that are so stinkin' profound I spend half the time crying over where my life is heading.
Tres. I could just plan my life away. Right now I could literally map out for the fam a grand life of suburban delight in which everything is just dandy. Perfect golf course house on a tree lined street with three well-dressed, bible-reciting kiddos and, and, and... And, honestly, that sounds dreamy.
But, maybe there's more.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.
-Psalms 37:4 (NLT)
When I was younger I thought this meant that as long as I was doing all the christiany things I was supposed to then God would give me most of the stuff I wanted. Isn't God the best?
Then I realized that's not really what He's saying (Darn!). I think he means that as we pursue Him, as we call out to Him, He'll change the desires of His heart to things in His plan... Kinda feels like He's pulling a fast one. But I'm thinking that maybe if I put on those outdated blinders and look with fresh eyes I'll see things more clearly. That maybe His plans could be better than My plans. What a novel thought.
This living away thing is hard. It's totally stretching me in crazy, crazy ways. I don't think I realized how much I relied on the human strength of those around me until they were gone. Thank goodness for Facetime, Facebook, e-mail, text and cell phones with unlimited mobile-to-mobile. But, thank GOD for His precious word that is truly alive and active, and totally changing my views and desires ...
I feel a crazy ride ahead ... and I'm pumped.
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