Have you ever had one of those days where you just KNOW God is trying to teach you something? I'm having one of those. Or maybe a week. Or maybe a well, nevermind.
Anyway, I feel like since we got to Pennsylvania I've been praying over what the lesson is that God wants me to learn up here. I've written in my journal countless times that I want to learn it quickly so I can go about my merry way and head on back to Arkansas. But over the last week I've been faced with some somewhat annoying revelations...
Uno. God has to put me in timeout sometimes.
It's true. I feel like sometimes he almost quarantines me from others so that I finally get to a corner and sheepishly say, "Oh, are You trying to tell me something? Did you want to put some input up in here?" He's done this at least two other times in my life ... He keeps knocking and knocking on my door and finally gives me an attention getter that I can't ignore. I don't want to be like that. But fast forward and here I am in Sayre, Pennsylvania (practically distraction free). So clearly, I wasn't listening ... or at least responding. What's amazing is how when I finally get in that quiet spot ... He starts showing me things. One of my favorite lines from Addison Road's song "What Do I Know of Holy" talks about trying to hear from heaven, but then talking the whole time. Oops.
Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and incomprehensible things you do not know.
-Jeremiah 33:3 (HCSB)
Is that all we have to do? Call to Him and He'll start speaking His will over our life? He promises us that He has a purpose and a Plan for us (Jer. 29:11) But if we don't know the plan, how do we know if we're on track?
Recently I was journaling and I told Him that I feel like He's trying to put some blinders on me but that I keep telling Him they don't match my outfit. Because I kinda like the distractions, they're fun and they make me happy. I think. Anybody ... anybody??
Dos. Being kind of cast out of my every day life, and having my somewhat big world turned into an itty bitty one has made me realize how actually small my world was before. That perhaps some of the things that were/are important to me are a little bit narcissistic. It really doesn't matter what my kids have on. Or what I have on. Or if I wore it to bible study last week. What I want to matter is eternal purpose. What I want to hear is "Well done, good and faithful servant." I want to have fought the good fight WELL. Which if I'm searching for matching smocked outfits for Thanksgiving in April is probably not holding eternal value. Just a thought. (disclosure: this is totally me, and I'm totally working through this as I'm going through it, so no judgement for those cute mamas (aka BFFs) that love some cute kid clothes. I'm so with you. Duh)
I've started filling my day with purpose and it's changing me. I've been studying God's word in the morning and pouring out all the good, bad and ugly to Him. During my Arbonne days I remember people having breakouts sometimes when they first got on the skincare. I tried to encourage them to press forward because it was a detox and it was going to bring all the impurities to the surface before it could start cell turnover and renewal, etc. That's kind of where I am. God's bringing some yucky stuff to the surface. Some of the me, me, me stuff. And it's not pretty.
I've also spent my days listening to the audio mp3s for the Five Aspects of Womanhood study by Barbara Mouser. I put it on my headphones and listen to it while I'm cleaning the house or hiding from my kids. She is reading a textbook and it's kind of monotone, but if you get through that there is some major meat in those lessons. I listened to the last one yesterday and I'm going to restart them Monday. I could listen to one a day forever and always learn something new.
Lastly, I've been immersing myself in Christian literature. If I'm not cooking or cleaning, I'm reading one of four books that are so stinkin' profound I spend half the time crying over where my life is heading.
Tres. I could just plan my life away. Right now I could literally map out for the fam a grand life of suburban delight in which everything is just dandy. Perfect golf course house on a tree lined street with three well-dressed, bible-reciting kiddos and, and, and... And, honestly, that sounds dreamy.
But, maybe there's more.
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart’s desires.
-Psalms 37:4 (NLT)
When I was younger I thought this meant that as long as I was doing all the christiany things I was supposed to then God would give me most of the stuff I wanted. Isn't God the best?
Then I realized that's not really what He's saying (Darn!). I think he means that as we pursue Him, as we call out to Him, He'll change the desires of His heart to things in His plan... Kinda feels like He's pulling a fast one. But I'm thinking that maybe if I put on those outdated blinders and look with fresh eyes I'll see things more clearly. That maybe His plans could be better than My plans. What a novel thought.
This living away thing is hard. It's totally stretching me in crazy, crazy ways. I don't think I realized how much I relied on the human strength of those around me until they were gone. Thank goodness for Facetime, Facebook, e-mail, text and cell phones with unlimited mobile-to-mobile. But, thank GOD for His precious word that is truly alive and active, and totally changing my views and desires ...
I feel a crazy ride ahead ... and I'm pumped.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Showing posts with label growing pains. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing pains. Show all posts
Friday, April 13, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
One Month In.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ... Right now it really feels like that!
I'm honestly kinda conflicted about how I feel about the whole Pennsylvania experience thus far. I know that I'm 100% the one struggling the most with the move and newness of Sayre. Whereas much of my days are the same as being a homemaker in Arkansas, I had fun weekly outings with friends to look forward to; visits from fam or spontaneous day dates with my mom and sisters. I kinda have to choose mind over matter and not let my mind wander there now. I'm pretty sure that would ensue a total breakdown and I'm pretty darn proud of myself for not having one yet!
Tonight I was talking to one of my friends from home, Mandy, and had a small revelation: when I concentrate on normal, mundane tasks or the good going on here with fam and kids, I'm fine. Pretty content actually. It's only when I get centered on myself that I start struggling and getting down in the dumps. What I'm missing out on, who I'm missing out on ... These questions can send me spiraling into a sad, depressing state of ... well, you get the idea.
But for all my peeps wondering how it's going ... I think we're gonna be ok. The rest of my crew has barely noticed a difference. Aaron stays busy with work and activities and the kids just honestly don't act like they've missed a beat! Every once in a while Dalton will say something like "Can Dede come over today?" or "Let's go to Maw's work." and I'll have to fight back tears and remind him they live in Arkansas and we live
in Pennsylvania.
But there is good here too. With Aaron's flexible schedule there is lots of togetherness, and lots of family time which is super nice. I know the kids especially love having him around so much. Plus, Aaron really likes his job and is encouraged and energized by his work which has made life a lot better and more enjoyable for all.
I feel like we're settled here after our first month, which has kinda brought relief and a couple freak outs. I'm relieved that I'm finally aware of the "unknown" of moving to the North. I generally know my way around and don't have to use the GPS every time I leave the house. However, it feels more permanent now (semi-permanent), just knowing we'll be here a while. I know God brought us here for a reason. I know He has a plan. I'm trying to not nag Him to death about the whys, which is not one of my strong suits. Ask Aaron.
I think I had kind of romanticized, if you will, what life would be like when we got here. I've had so many people tell me about what moving away did for their marriages, family and faith. I think I subconsciously expected all those things to be the same for us the moment we got here. However, they had to go through some rough times to get there. That's where I am right this minute- but I absolutely see the light at the end of the tunnel.
At home it was so easy to call on my mom or sisters when I needed advice or consoling. I could go do something fun with a friend to take my mind off a situation or talk through something on my mind. But here, it's just really me and the hubs. This has made me go to him more and bring more to the Lord. I know that He is truly calling me closer and that is extremely satisfying. I think I've said this before, or maybe I've written this in my journal (this entry is feeling a little "Dear Diary-ish")but when I'm in my bible studies or having some quiet time in the morning I feel completely at peace and fully content. I've often thought about how I wish I could stay in that state throughout the day. But then someone wakes up and starts screaming for juice or a show and the busyness takes control of the day. In 1 Thessalonians Paul encourages us to "pray continually," and I think that just may be my saving grace. Taking the focus off myself and putting it back on Him.
He is good.
In other news, Aaron's mom and grandmother are flying up tomorrow to be with us for Easter. I could. not. be. more. excited. I know it will just give us such a source of encouragement to have some loved ones here to fill our tanks for the next few days. They'll be here until late Monday afternoon and I'm trying to plan some fun days and some time to just lay low and look at familiar faces. Also, we've asked the whole Arkansas crew up here to come over for Easter lunch and an Egg Hunt so I'm excited about nailing all the details down for that.
I'm thankful for loved ones coming to love on us and get us into month 2. You know I'll let you know how it goes. :)
Lots of love from Pennsylvania.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I'm honestly kinda conflicted about how I feel about the whole Pennsylvania experience thus far. I know that I'm 100% the one struggling the most with the move and newness of Sayre. Whereas much of my days are the same as being a homemaker in Arkansas, I had fun weekly outings with friends to look forward to; visits from fam or spontaneous day dates with my mom and sisters. I kinda have to choose mind over matter and not let my mind wander there now. I'm pretty sure that would ensue a total breakdown and I'm pretty darn proud of myself for not having one yet!
Tonight I was talking to one of my friends from home, Mandy, and had a small revelation: when I concentrate on normal, mundane tasks or the good going on here with fam and kids, I'm fine. Pretty content actually. It's only when I get centered on myself that I start struggling and getting down in the dumps. What I'm missing out on, who I'm missing out on ... These questions can send me spiraling into a sad, depressing state of ... well, you get the idea.
But for all my peeps wondering how it's going ... I think we're gonna be ok. The rest of my crew has barely noticed a difference. Aaron stays busy with work and activities and the kids just honestly don't act like they've missed a beat! Every once in a while Dalton will say something like "Can Dede come over today?" or "Let's go to Maw's work." and I'll have to fight back tears and remind him they live in Arkansas and we live
in Pennsylvania.
But there is good here too. With Aaron's flexible schedule there is lots of togetherness, and lots of family time which is super nice. I know the kids especially love having him around so much. Plus, Aaron really likes his job and is encouraged and energized by his work which has made life a lot better and more enjoyable for all.
I feel like we're settled here after our first month, which has kinda brought relief and a couple freak outs. I'm relieved that I'm finally aware of the "unknown" of moving to the North. I generally know my way around and don't have to use the GPS every time I leave the house. However, it feels more permanent now (semi-permanent), just knowing we'll be here a while. I know God brought us here for a reason. I know He has a plan. I'm trying to not nag Him to death about the whys, which is not one of my strong suits. Ask Aaron.
I think I had kind of romanticized, if you will, what life would be like when we got here. I've had so many people tell me about what moving away did for their marriages, family and faith. I think I subconsciously expected all those things to be the same for us the moment we got here. However, they had to go through some rough times to get there. That's where I am right this minute- but I absolutely see the light at the end of the tunnel.
At home it was so easy to call on my mom or sisters when I needed advice or consoling. I could go do something fun with a friend to take my mind off a situation or talk through something on my mind. But here, it's just really me and the hubs. This has made me go to him more and bring more to the Lord. I know that He is truly calling me closer and that is extremely satisfying. I think I've said this before, or maybe I've written this in my journal (this entry is feeling a little "Dear Diary-ish")but when I'm in my bible studies or having some quiet time in the morning I feel completely at peace and fully content. I've often thought about how I wish I could stay in that state throughout the day. But then someone wakes up and starts screaming for juice or a show and the busyness takes control of the day. In 1 Thessalonians Paul encourages us to "pray continually," and I think that just may be my saving grace. Taking the focus off myself and putting it back on Him.
He is good.
In other news, Aaron's mom and grandmother are flying up tomorrow to be with us for Easter. I could. not. be. more. excited. I know it will just give us such a source of encouragement to have some loved ones here to fill our tanks for the next few days. They'll be here until late Monday afternoon and I'm trying to plan some fun days and some time to just lay low and look at familiar faces. Also, we've asked the whole Arkansas crew up here to come over for Easter lunch and an Egg Hunt so I'm excited about nailing all the details down for that.
I'm thankful for loved ones coming to love on us and get us into month 2. You know I'll let you know how it goes. :)
Lots of love from Pennsylvania.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
One Day at a Time
Apparently we've been here over a week now ... but, I'm kinda counting it from how many days my mom has been gone. I don't really think I noticed I was in a new town until she left.
We're adjusting ... it's a process. And it's fine. It truly, truly is. I honestly believe God is using this as a refining process, and refinement never feels good. I know that if I just started spouting off negatives about my new surroundings that would be all I would notice and I would quickly become depressed, therefore I'm not going to do that. So, I'll just leave it at that. ;)
The weather here hasn't been much different than Arkansas. We have had a couple snowy days, but MOST have been extremely mild. The last couple days have been high 60's and today we even bumped into the 70's ... which is starting to concern me. First because I got the kids lots of fun snow-wear and duhhhh we need to wear the cuteness. And secondly because they don't have air conditioning in these parts and this southern girl turns the air on once it reaches 68 degrees. Sooooooooo, I'll be hunting down some window units or SOMETHING lovely in the very near future.
I feel the need to just say loud and clear that WE'RE FINE. We really, really are. I have gotten SO many kind emails and calls and messages from people on facebook or blog readers I've never met that I'm pretty sure think I am looking down over the cliff or something. I KNEW we were supposed to do this with my whole, whole heart. I think that's why I originally threw such a big fit. As soon as Aaron said, "there's a job opportunity in Pennsylvania," I just felt my heart IMMEDIATELY preparing to go.
I've told this story to my small group and even at large group at Bloom
a couple weeks ago, but I thought I'd share it on here too. I'm pretty sure it would be incredibly hard to forget .... but just in case...
Right after Aaron started telling me about how much he wanted to do this job in Pennsylvania I was extremely shut off to it. I would just throw my hands up at the mention of it and all but stamp my foot ... okay, I did that too.
Anyway, I was on a rampage of manipulation to make SURE that if I had anything to do with it we chased down every lead of a new job for AB. I sent him monster.com leads, I questioned him at least 476 times a day if he'd called on this person or this person and I was driving myself into a nervous frenzy that may have required medication ... just keepin' it real.
One morning I was fixing Sawyer breakfast and I was at the stove as he kept going back to the trash can. I had chunked some goldfish earlier in the morning and now they were covered up by coffee grounds, boogie wipes, and other forms of general yuckiness that finds its way to the trash can. I kept going over to explain to him about how I was fixing him his breakfast and he just needed to chill the heck out. However, his fourteen month old self didn't really care what I said and kept going back to the trash. I told him at least three more times to quit that, that I had something better ON THE WAY ... still he was digging for growdy goldfish.
Finally, I went over there, got in his little face, and said, "Sawyer, quit digging through the trash, your breakfast is almost ready." At the moment I felt the Holy Spirit literally lift my head up and tell me, "Rebekah, you stop digging through the trash, quit thinking you know better than I do. I have something for you RIGHT here ... and it's good, and it's prepared especially for you."
That was the moment EVERYTHING changed. I changed my tune and was quickly filled with a peace over the whole situation. I've had a breakdown or two, but mainly I've been filled with the Spirit in a new way. I love that God has started showing me verses that I've read a hundred times in new light. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 have totally refreshed my soul in a brand new way: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
A new verse he very clearly gave me was Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Sometimes I just read them over and over and over again. Another way He has been ministering to my heart is through song ... I have ALWAYS felt like music is a way to feel very close to the Presence of the Lord, but in times of "trouble" (and I use that term very lightly, I know that this is not a season of trouble, but it is a bit of an "uprooting" and a time where I'm seeking God with a new vengeance to say the least). However, I just have to jot down the lyrics of this song that Addison Road has out right now ... It is one I walk around my house singing all day long ... its ahhhh-mazing.
What Do I Know of Holy
Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Do yourself a favor and go watch the You Tube video or download it from iTunes... it's so good.
Sunday we were supposed to go try out a new church, but with a late night, plus the time change we didn't make it. ;/
HOWEVER, that meant I got to log into the Online Campus at FBC and watch Brandon's amazing sermon. I could barely take notes I was so enthralled with the message. It was in finding contentment regardless of circumstances. One quote I took away was "it's all about location: IN the Lord, IN God."
I'm thankful He's there to supply every need. I'm thankful He's enough.
Taking it one day at a time ...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
We're adjusting ... it's a process. And it's fine. It truly, truly is. I honestly believe God is using this as a refining process, and refinement never feels good. I know that if I just started spouting off negatives about my new surroundings that would be all I would notice and I would quickly become depressed, therefore I'm not going to do that. So, I'll just leave it at that. ;)
The weather here hasn't been much different than Arkansas. We have had a couple snowy days, but MOST have been extremely mild. The last couple days have been high 60's and today we even bumped into the 70's ... which is starting to concern me. First because I got the kids lots of fun snow-wear and duhhhh we need to wear the cuteness. And secondly because they don't have air conditioning in these parts and this southern girl turns the air on once it reaches 68 degrees. Sooooooooo, I'll be hunting down some window units or SOMETHING lovely in the very near future.
I feel the need to just say loud and clear that WE'RE FINE. We really, really are. I have gotten SO many kind emails and calls and messages from people on facebook or blog readers I've never met that I'm pretty sure think I am looking down over the cliff or something. I KNEW we were supposed to do this with my whole, whole heart. I think that's why I originally threw such a big fit. As soon as Aaron said, "there's a job opportunity in Pennsylvania," I just felt my heart IMMEDIATELY preparing to go.
I've told this story to my small group and even at large group at Bloom
a couple weeks ago, but I thought I'd share it on here too. I'm pretty sure it would be incredibly hard to forget .... but just in case...
Right after Aaron started telling me about how much he wanted to do this job in Pennsylvania I was extremely shut off to it. I would just throw my hands up at the mention of it and all but stamp my foot ... okay, I did that too.
Anyway, I was on a rampage of manipulation to make SURE that if I had anything to do with it we chased down every lead of a new job for AB. I sent him monster.com leads, I questioned him at least 476 times a day if he'd called on this person or this person and I was driving myself into a nervous frenzy that may have required medication ... just keepin' it real.
One morning I was fixing Sawyer breakfast and I was at the stove as he kept going back to the trash can. I had chunked some goldfish earlier in the morning and now they were covered up by coffee grounds, boogie wipes, and other forms of general yuckiness that finds its way to the trash can. I kept going over to explain to him about how I was fixing him his breakfast and he just needed to chill the heck out. However, his fourteen month old self didn't really care what I said and kept going back to the trash. I told him at least three more times to quit that, that I had something better ON THE WAY ... still he was digging for growdy goldfish.
Finally, I went over there, got in his little face, and said, "Sawyer, quit digging through the trash, your breakfast is almost ready." At the moment I felt the Holy Spirit literally lift my head up and tell me, "Rebekah, you stop digging through the trash, quit thinking you know better than I do. I have something for you RIGHT here ... and it's good, and it's prepared especially for you."
That was the moment EVERYTHING changed. I changed my tune and was quickly filled with a peace over the whole situation. I've had a breakdown or two, but mainly I've been filled with the Spirit in a new way. I love that God has started showing me verses that I've read a hundred times in new light. Verses like Jeremiah 29:11 have totally refreshed my soul in a brand new way: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
A new verse he very clearly gave me was Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
Sometimes I just read them over and over and over again. Another way He has been ministering to my heart is through song ... I have ALWAYS felt like music is a way to feel very close to the Presence of the Lord, but in times of "trouble" (and I use that term very lightly, I know that this is not a season of trouble, but it is a bit of an "uprooting" and a time where I'm seeking God with a new vengeance to say the least). However, I just have to jot down the lyrics of this song that Addison Road has out right now ... It is one I walk around my house singing all day long ... its ahhhh-mazing.
What Do I Know of Holy
Addison Road
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Do yourself a favor and go watch the You Tube video or download it from iTunes... it's so good.
Sunday we were supposed to go try out a new church, but with a late night, plus the time change we didn't make it. ;/
HOWEVER, that meant I got to log into the Online Campus at FBC and watch Brandon's amazing sermon. I could barely take notes I was so enthralled with the message. It was in finding contentment regardless of circumstances. One quote I took away was "it's all about location: IN the Lord, IN God."
I'm thankful He's there to supply every need. I'm thankful He's enough.
Taking it one day at a time ...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Hillcrest Dr,Sayre,United States
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